Half a year...
Our sweet Beckham Daniel is six months old. He smiles non-stop. He's not a great sleeper, but no matter what is happy and smiling whenever he wakes up. He is so strong. He's rolling across the room and is so close to crawling. He sits up like a champ, and is incredibly observant. He loves being outside, whenever he is fussy all you need to do is take him on a quick walk and everything is all better. He has his bottom two teeth, just when you thought that smile couldn't get any better. His eyes bright up the minute someone looks at him, and his giggles make your heart burst. He has brought such joy to mine and Eric's life, and we love being his parents.
Our sweet Beckham Daniel is six months old. He smiles non-stop. He's not a great sleeper, but no matter what is happy and smiling whenever he wakes up. He is so strong. He's rolling across the room and is so close to crawling. He sits up like a champ, and is incredibly observant. He loves being outside, whenever he is fussy all you need to do is take him on a quick walk and everything is all better. He has his bottom two teeth, just when you thought that smile couldn't get any better. His eyes bright up the minute someone looks at him, and his giggles make your heart burst. He has brought such joy to mine and Eric's life, and we love being his parents.
It seems like the moments after Beckham was born was a dream. I really incredible dream. After over 40 weeks of sickness, low energy, sleepless nights, anxiety and pain I suddenly had this sweet little boy in my arms. It felt like I was no longer in a hospital room, I was somewhere in between Earth and Heaven. And in that place somewhere in between I felt something else pretty amazing. When Eric handed me the baby, every person around me seemed to disappear, but it felt like the room was filled. I have such a belief in a premortal existence and in a life after this one and I like to think that people who loved Beckham and knew him in a time before this one were present as he entered this world. It was the most incredible moment of my life.
We were in the hospital for six days total. Where we had our first struggles of parenthood.
First struggle...Jaundice
Beckham was in the birth canal for around two hours. If you look at his birth photos in a couple you can see the shape of his head right as he came out. My husband's family like to say that he looked like he was wearing a smurf hat when he came out. While that is an accurate description of what he looked like he still was the cutest little smurf! After an hour his head looked more like the regular cone head that a vaginal birthed baby is suppose to have so no harm done, except for the bruising on his head that took a couple weeks to heal. Because of that bruising Beckham had a high bilirubin count as his body was working hard to heal the bruising. He developed a pretty severe case of jaundice. Now normally a baby's kidneys will take a day or two to start working and will start to process the bilirubin and get it out of the baby's system through it's poop. Beckham's count was so high that it took longer than usual, about two weeks, to break down all that bilirubin. So we stayed in the hospital, undergoing UV light therapy and supervision by the nurses. The big concern with jaundice is that it could indicate that a baby's kidneys are not working properly, so that was what the doctor's were concerned with. His blood tests weren't showing signs of improving and they wanted to try the UV light to try to bring down his levels. Beckham spent two nights in the nursery with me visiting to feed him. It was so hard when they took him away. I hate to admit it but I was borderline hysterical. When I would visit him in the nursery I was very depressed, but I felt really silly. Beckham only had to lay under a light for a few days. He wasn't hooked up to any machines, no IV, and I was able to hold him whenever I wanted. As I walked out I saw a baby who had heart issues. He had already been there for two weeks. I saw his mother in there almost every time I went in there to feed Beckham. I even remember the baby's name. Killian. I felt selfish and over emotional. All my baby needed was some time for his body to kick start and he would be fine. This baby may have heart problems for the rest of his life, or worse if you can imagine. I wish I had talked to that mom, I don't know what comfort I could have given but I wish I had. I guess I was just embarrassed that I was so upset about my situation. I hope things are better for her and her sweet baby. Anyways, after six days of monitoring his bilirubin levels they finally leveled and we got to go home. After a couple more days of rising and falling his levels finally went down to a normal level and stabilized. No problems since, and we're very grateful. :)
Second struggle...Breastfeeding
I spent so much time researching unmedicated births and coping techniques I completely neglected to educate myself on breastfeeding. I naively thought that it was going to come so naturally to me. HA HA REAL TALK, breastfeeding is freaking hard. When I first had Beckham latch all I could think was "Holy shiz, this hurts." Every mother I spoke to about breastfeeding said it would be a bit painful, but I was sobbing every time he latched and shaking from the pain. I started bleeding after the third time Beck latched. My nurse said it shouldn't be hurting this bad and I shouldn't already be bleeding. She checked Beckham's mouth and discovered his tongue was tied. When a baby has a tongue tie they often can't open their mouth widely and can't latch at the right angle and when they do latch they "chew" the nipple. So that explained the extreme pain and the damage, so the nurses took Beckham away, cut the tie, brought him back and we tried breastfeeding again. I felt a total difference on the latch but unfortunately the damage was done and I was still in a lot of pain. I wanted so badly to breastfeed but the pain was excruciating. I had heard about women who their baby would latch but then when they introduced a bottle the baby never wanted to latch afterwards. Now fed is best, in the end the only thing that matters is that Beckham is fed and healthy, but he latched so well, it was me who was having the difficulties and I wanted to breastfeed. My first "I'm such a crappy mom" moment. I was a mess. When my sister came to see me in the hospital she could see how distraught I was and she shared with me her breastfeeding journey. Her son was born in August and he didn't latch until October. Breastfeeding was something she wanted to do, and she didn't want to let go of that. So she pumped for three months all the while trying to latch him and finally he did. So she said "Ellen, if you really want to breastfeed, and you take a break and he doesn't latch? Then you'll pump until he latches. You can do this, and don't you feel bad about needing to take a second for yourself." She was right. I was only on day two of being a mother and I had already put much pressure on myself. I needed a moment, and if breastfeeding is what I want to do I will find a way to do it and keep Beckham happy, fed and healthy. So I took the time I needed to heal, pumped and fed him from a bottle and he luckily still latched and I was able to continue to breastfeed. But that did not end my breastfeeding struggle. My mother-in-law always said, "I wish I could have skipped the last six weeks of pregnancy and the first six weeks of having a baby." I get what she means now. Breastfeeding was uncomfortable, and for a while I hated it. I dreaded every time someone would say "Oh the baby's hungry." I hated having to sit in a chair for forty minutes every time Beckham had to eat. It would be painful on the latch and then I would just have to sit there as a baby sucked on my boob. It drove me crazy...but then after six weeks it got a little better. Then at eight weeks, while the beginning latch still pinched, it was no longer uncomfortable during. Then suddenly, breastfeeding was no longer painful. I love breastfeeding now. I didn't feel the bonding at the beginning of breastfeeding, it was irritating so really how can you bond? It's like bonding with the dentist while he's giving you a shot in the mouth. After breastfeeding improved I was finally able to experience the bond with Beckham, and I'm addicted! I'm glad I was able to stick with it, but it definetly opened my eyes to the struggle women face when it comes with breastfeeding. It isn't easy, I'm grateful for support groups and being surrounded with awesome moms who make you feel normal.
And third struggle...My Marriage
People are imperfect. No marriage is perfect. I think it's unfair when people label their own relationships as perfect because it leaves no room for flaw or mistakes. As relationships reach each milestone they also encounter new struggles, that can either strengthen a relationship or weaken it. One of those milestones is growing your family. You have no idea what it is like to be a parent until you become one. Having a baby takes a toll on EVERY SINGLE PARTNERSHIP. Some worse than others, but every couple struggles with the new life they now are responsible for. You have different expectations for one another, you want each other to be the best parent they can be. Those expectations are something Eric and I struggle with. I don't mind sharing that, because we are imperfect human beings and we are allowed feelings on how we want to be treated and how we want our children to be treated. We could in no way foresee how having a baby would change our relationship. It's been an adjustment. Our marriage is a continuous work in progress, I find nothing wrong with that. We are always trying to change for one another and trying to become better people...but it's hard. It's easy to miss the times where it was just Eric and I, sitting on the couch watching Netflix or being out late with friends. Having a baby, you grow up in an instant. It's something we still, even after six months, are getting used to, and that's ok! We couldn't imagine life without him, it's an adjustment we don't mind making. <3
Six months out, it's been hard but so amazing. I thank God every day for this sweet spirit that he entrusted me with. I'm trying so hard to be a good mom, but I do have a lot of days where I feel like the crappiest parent ever, but I have to remember that the Lord does not demand perfection, he asks for our greatest effort, and I can definetly do that.
And third struggle...My Marriage
People are imperfect. No marriage is perfect. I think it's unfair when people label their own relationships as perfect because it leaves no room for flaw or mistakes. As relationships reach each milestone they also encounter new struggles, that can either strengthen a relationship or weaken it. One of those milestones is growing your family. You have no idea what it is like to be a parent until you become one. Having a baby takes a toll on EVERY SINGLE PARTNERSHIP. Some worse than others, but every couple struggles with the new life they now are responsible for. You have different expectations for one another, you want each other to be the best parent they can be. Those expectations are something Eric and I struggle with. I don't mind sharing that, because we are imperfect human beings and we are allowed feelings on how we want to be treated and how we want our children to be treated. We could in no way foresee how having a baby would change our relationship. It's been an adjustment. Our marriage is a continuous work in progress, I find nothing wrong with that. We are always trying to change for one another and trying to become better people...but it's hard. It's easy to miss the times where it was just Eric and I, sitting on the couch watching Netflix or being out late with friends. Having a baby, you grow up in an instant. It's something we still, even after six months, are getting used to, and that's ok! We couldn't imagine life without him, it's an adjustment we don't mind making. <3
Six months out, it's been hard but so amazing. I thank God every day for this sweet spirit that he entrusted me with. I'm trying so hard to be a good mom, but I do have a lot of days where I feel like the crappiest parent ever, but I have to remember that the Lord does not demand perfection, he asks for our greatest effort, and I can definetly do that.
